Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
