Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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