The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
