I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
now i know why i became what i already was.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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