the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
