I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
