She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Your penis caused this!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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