i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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