Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
