I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
