Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
