I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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