1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my phone needs a breathalizer
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
