I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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