it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
