I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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