She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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