im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
