So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize