I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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