Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
