I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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