So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
