took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize