3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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