Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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