sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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