omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
