you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
