I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
now i know why i became what i already was.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
