She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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