You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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