my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Randomize
