I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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