I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
try to milk me bitch
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
