Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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