Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
