how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
