I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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