I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
