If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
