im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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