Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
