I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
