in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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