so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize