Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
