see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
