I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
