Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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