My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
