just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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