I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
