i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
