i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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