Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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