just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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