I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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