I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
