Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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