I only kidnapped one of them. chill
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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